A little about how Twitter works against you

 Chapter Ten- A New Beginning 

My divorce left me shaken in many ways. I had trouble coming to grips with how my life fell apart so fast and the people I love the most were gone. My wife was gone for good, and my daughter was 3 hours away. I had some joy in knowing I could see my daughter any time I wanted, but mentally that was tough because I was living in fear of panic attacks constantly. Panic disorder had become a mainstay of my life and I did not know how to fight it. It left me shaken with fear thinking I was dying all the time. I made it worse because I allowed it to control me and found myself in the hospital often having everything checked out. I refused to believe it was in my head because my symptoms were very real. Things were made worse because a mutual friend of my ex and I, would send me email links of my wife in porn videos with other women. This really made me angry, because it made me feel like my wife ruined our marriage so she could make little money-making B rated porn and doing it with women no less. It destroyed my psyche and made me believe she would rather be with a woman than me like it was my fault. All my life I always shouldered the blame for the faults of others. I never considered that it was just them and not me, but I had been programmed by my mother to think I was just not good enough and if women were unhappy in my life, it was somehow my fault. I tend to cling to hope far too long and try to save relationships that just cannot be saved. This was not the first time, nor would it be the last.  

In 2003 I sold one of my stores and began going to college. I really wanted to be a teacher because I had life lessons I could convey to young people. A story they could relate to. I worked my other store for two years and got an apartment about a quarter mile from the store. My panic attacks stayed with me, and they were not fun. I began avoiding places if I had one there. One day I went to Target to buy some shirts and I had a huge panic attack that caused me to run out of the store and drive across the street to the ER where I would sit in the parking lot until it was over or until I needed to run inside. I hated myself for this and there were times I really thought about killing myself. I hated not being in control and not being happy. I thought I was on track seeking out a new career, getting therapy, and being on anti-depressants, but the medications kept messing with me. The doctor put me on Prozac first because my sister took that, so I thought it would help. I was wrong because Prozac intensified my anxiety and increased the frequency of my attacks. I was having 5-7 attacks a day and it was becoming quite debilitating. Finally, I settled on Paxil and that was the drug for me. Paxil kept me awake when I needed to be awake, but it also allowed me to sleep anytime I decided to lie down. I always told people I could lie down in traffic, and I would fall asleep within seconds. Paxil made me not feel anything, and that was a plus. I could laugh if something were funny, but if you told me someone died, I would know it is bad, but I would not feel any emotion over it. Paxil also made it hard to have sex, but I did not care. 

Shortly after I moved into my apartment, I met this lady named Melissa and gave her a part time job in my store. She also suffered from anxiety, and we hit it off on some level. We started a relationship, which was fine as I was open to it, but within a few weeks she was taking me to look at rings. I was totally freaked out. She got us a hotel room and box seats for the Indians game on my birthday. It was becoming too serious for me, and I started panicking again. I tried so hard to slow her down, but she was telling me everything was going to be ok. She was a beautiful woman and I really liked her, but this was too much and psychologically it was scaring the hell out of me. One night I bolted out of her apartment and ran back to mine. It was over and I was not going back. It was the only time in my life I did the right thing even though I hurt her. The thing is, I only do what is right when my own life is in danger, otherwise I stay until I reach that point. It was this night I would take more pills than was healthy. I would wake up 20 hours later. I took those pills because I did not want to feel anything any longer. I was shocked to find out I woke up. I felt better strangely because I had not died and dying was a fear of mine, but for some reason I awoke thinking everything would be okay.  

Staying in relationships too long is a maddening pattern and I tend to abuse myself with this behavior. I always jeopardize my own health to not hurt someone else and I am still doing it to this day, which is why I am writing this book. I have become the biggest threat to my own mental health, because of my fear of hurting others. 

College was a blessing for me. It gave me an outlet to be creative, express my ideas, but to also develop my critical thinking skills, except the latter never applied to my relationships. I would get all A’s in college except one professor gave me two B’s for two different courses and I suspect it was because I was a Republican at this time while he was Liberal as hell. I would later become a Liberal when I became a teacher and begin working in inner city schools as I saw so many inequities that needed fixed. 

I sold my other store when it was time for student teaching, and I would remain there as an employee. I struggled adapting to get up at 6am because I had been a 3am bedtime person for 25 years. It would get so bad that my panic attacks started again, and I had to work hard to control them or keep them away from students. I tried Ambien and Tylenol Pm and nothing worked. I would spend my weekends sleeping all the time to catch up. Finally, I had to return to my old friend Paxil, and I was able to get back on track and graduate with my teaching degree. 

To inspire me to finish school, my sister would buy me Bulldog statues with the promise that if I graduated, she would buy me a Bulldog. I did graduate Magnum Cum Laude, and she bought me a Bulldog I named Chloe. As I write this Chloe is 14 years old and my best friend in the world. Chloe has been my calm ever since I got her. She has always been there for me and me her. I could never have made it through the last 14 years in one piece without her. 

Right after I graduated, I got a long- term substitute job in Cleveland that I held for some time. They were not hiring full time so it was the best I could do. Two years later that job would be claimed by someone who lost their job, but had tenure, so they took mine. I took the news hard, knowing I would have to become a daily sub for less pay with no benefits. When I arrived home however, I would find a message on my answering machine that would change my life forever.